Unprofessional
by at-kb
Summary: "Nothing was getting done in Soul Society, and Captain-Commander Yamamoto wanted to know why." Everyone x everyone else. Het, yaoi, & yuri pairings. Crack-esque!


Nothing was getting done in Soul Society, and Captain-Commander Yamamoto wanted to know why.

Forms weren't getting signed or filed. Missions were being botched. Captains' meetings were tense and silent, and it seemed as though half of the captains and vice-captains would do anything they could to avoid speaking to one another.

Was this some kind of plot to bring down the Gotei 13? Was that scoundrel Urahara behind it again?

He called in Soi Fon, since it was her business to know all the secrets of Seireitei. She turned bright red and told him that she didn't know but of course she would investigate it immediately.

He called in Mayuri, since he was head of the Science Division. Mayuri said he hadn't recently noticed any significant changes in the microbial profile of the seated officers, but if Yamamoto wanted to send anyone to his laboratory, Mayuri could certainly undertake a thorough dissection and that would likely get to the root of the matter.

He called in Tousen, since he was in charge of the Seireitei newspaper, and Tousen said that no articles about a treacherous plot were planned for the next issue, but his vice-captain had been absent from work very frequently recently.

He called in Matsumoto Rangiku, and she said, "Well . . . it's complicated."

"I have time," said Yamamoto, leaning his hands in front of him on his staff.

So Rangiku, who had maybe been drinking a little bit before she was summoned, told him:

The fact of the matter was, there were some hard feelings between certain members of the Gotei 13.

Her captain, Hitsugaya Toushirou, had begun dating Hinamori Momo, and so far, this was okay. But eventually, after a particularly ill-timed "Shiro-chan!", they had broken up. And this would also have been okay except that Hinamori Momo then started dating Kira Izuru.

Kira and Hinamori broke up when Kira realized he was gay and ran into the arms of his sempai, Hisagi Shuuhei.

Hisagi and Kira broke up after a really ill-timed "Ichimaru-taichou!"

Hisagi then gave in to the inevitable and started dating Ayasegawa Yumichika. This went fine, until Madarame Ikkaku told Yumichika he'd attained bankai and half an hour later Hisagi found them both in a compromising position.

Ikkaku and Yumichika seemed like they were going to last, until Ikkaku accidentally cut Yumichika's hair while they were sparring.

Ikkaku and Abarai Renji was something that had happened before in an experimental sense, so nobody was too surprised.

But when Renji, to his shock, accidentally found in his captain's desk a hidden collection of erotic photo cards sold by the Shinigami Women's Association, his course was clear. Particularly because every single card depicted him, Renji, in various stages of undress.

Ikkaku just couldn't believe Renji was leaving him for a man who fought with flower petals.

Renji and Kuchiki Byakuya broke up because Byakuya snored horribly and Renji couldn't look his captain in the face and tell him why he didn't want to spend the night sleeping next to him.

The next time Byakuya found the Shinigami Women's Association, including Shihouin Yoruichi, hidden behind a secret door in his manor, he didn't try to chase them out like usual. Yoruichi sat Byakuya down with a jug of sake afterwards and asked him what was the matter with him.

Yoruichi and Byakuya broke up after a really, really ill-timed "Renji!"

"Honestly, do I _look_ like a man?" Yoruichi asked Soi Fon, naked after transforming back from her cat form. Soi Fon said no.

Soi Fon and Yoruichi broke up when Yoruichi got bored of Soul Society and wandered back to the transient world again.

In her devastation, Soi Fon got drunk and accidentally slept with Kyouraku Shunsui, who was boozing and on the prowl.

After she'd sent ten elite ninjas after him the next morning, it would be reasonable to say their romance was over.

Ukitake Jyuushiro helped defend his friend from the ninja attack, but the battle left his shirt so attractively slashed to pieces that Kyouraku just couldn't help himself.

Ukitake and Kyouraku broke up because Ukitake knew it was pointless to try to keep Kyouraku from philandering for too long.

Even so, the next time he found himself in the Fourth Division hospital with another of his attacks, Unohana Retsu sat by his bedside and talked with him into the night: about his relationship with his friend, about sickness, about the memories they shared as two of the very oldest captains. The next night, she visited him again, and they didn't talk much at all.

Unohana and Ukitake broke up because Unohana knew it was pointless to try to keep Ukitake from succumbing to Kyouraku for too long.

Not long afterward, Zaraki Kenpachi came to Unohana's office saying in what was, for him, a subdued voice that Yachiru had started to ask about where babies came from and, uh, maybe Unohana would know something about what to say.

Unohana explained it so well that Kenpachi came by the next week for a practical demonstration.

And they were still together, as far as Rangiku knew.

"What?" said the Captain-Commander.

"Yamamoto-soutaichou, everybody had bad breakups," said Rangiku. "Plus Nanao is angry that Shunsui will sleep with everybody but her, and Kiyone and Sentaro were angry with the whole of fourth division for a while and Isane didn't know why, and Soi Fon-taichou is having a crisis of sexual identity, and Kuchiki-taichou and Renji didn't tell Rukia about their thing and now she won't speak to either of them because they kept it secret from her, and Hisagi just stays home and plays sad songs to himself on his guitar, and Hitsugaya-taichou wants to kill Kira for hurting Hinamori's feelings and also for being so much taller than him, and—"

"Don't we have a non-fraternization policy for captains and vice-captains?" said Yamamoto.

"We do?" said Rangiku. "Really?"

"I trust you weren't involved yourself," said Yamamoto, leaning forward.

"Oh, no, of course not!" said Rangiku.

That evening, she told the story to Gin, who said, "Ya know, some people can be so unprofessional."

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**Review please!**


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